Why is it so Hard to Find Friends?

If We’re Built for Relationship, Why is it Hard to Find Friends?

Growing up in the 90’s my view of friendship has been largely influenced by one major thing: a show called “Friends”. I loved watching how these six friends did life together, how organic their community seemed. Their quaint little coffee shop the “Central Perk “with its comfy  couch brought them together, it was the hub of where everything began and ended each day. 

They were so connected; there for each other through thick and thin, laughter and tears. I’m not sure if you would agree, but this type of friendship has often seemed somewhat of a fairytale, maybe even a myth to me.  

However unbelievable this idea of friendship is, I know that we are built for relationship. Yet loneliness and isolation are on the rise and have been made significantly worse since COVID-19. Studies show that long-term loneliness can be just as harmful as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. We were wired for connection. 

So why then is connection such a struggle? Let’s be real, the struggle was present before the pandemic. However, I fear the second wave of this disease is worse; it is isolation, depression, anxiety and fear. 

I have had the opportunity to live in a number of beautiful communities throughout my years and each one has gifted me with some wonderful friendships that I cherish. However, the instability that comes with moving due to ministry has frequently caused me to struggle with my identity as a friend. At times I’ve believed a lie that I must be broken, and I have defaulted to excusing the disconnect to being too busy, or why bother if we’ll just be moving again. It isn’t always easy to find friends and being in leadership often makes it even more difficult. Aren’t friendships are supposed to be easy and carefree like they were for the characters in Friends?

In John 15:15 Jesus calls his disciples friends. Even though he was the son of God, Jesus sought out friendships and he faced similar struggles to you and me. He suffered disappointment, grief, frustration, distrust, and sorrow as well as joy, laughter, fellowship, closeness and deep sense of purpose in these relationships. In Matthew 26:36-56 we read that Jesus brought his friends with him to the garden of Gethsemane. He went there in need of comfort anticipating his death, he was in anguish, even though he was the son of God he needed his friends support; showing his very human nature.

There is a certain consolation I find in reading that Jesus needed and requested things of his friends and yet experienced let down. His strength and comfort had to be found in his relationship to God the Father. Friendship isn’t easy, but Jesus did not discount his need for it, he knew it’s place. 

Satan loves when we live in isolation and wants to keep us there, he will use anything and everything he can to keep us in a place of loneliness. My view of friendship was shaped by a sitcom, today’s view of friendship is being shaped by social media. We all scroll through hours of feed and fall victim to the comparison trap set that would draw us to believe the lie “everyone else has it better, I’m all alone, I’m broken!” 

Friendship is messy, there is no well thought through script to follow. Our friendships cannot fix us or our circumstances, instead that is a job for our Heavenly Father. Our friends are an important part of our journey and bring so much fullness, but it is the Father that heals brokenness and gives us a firm sense of identity.

What needs to be adjusted in your life today so that you stop allowing a news feed, or sitcom to inform your identity and friendships. 

Father, I pray that you would please help us today to see the importance of connection, that we would prioritize friendship just as Jesus did but that you would draw us to yourself so that our identity, healing and purpose come from you our rock, our firm foundation. Amen.