Leading Through Shame and Anxiety

Originally posted on Maryanne’s blog

“Raise your hand if you don’t like Maryanne,” called the girl who would treat me as a friend one day and be my tormentor the next. As I stood on the playground and watched all the kids around me raise their hands in agreement, I was filled with shame and utter despair. I was alone. I was unloved. I was not good enough.

That very public ostracizing was one of several that left scars on my soul. The cruelty of others broke me in so many ways.

As a child, I was labelled “bossy” and “strong-willed”, two words that I dislike to this day and that sometimes still have the power to conjure up some very negative emotions. I’ve since learned that those labels were, in fact, leadership qualities that God planted in me when I was conceived. But for so much of my life they were a burden, not a blessing. To protect myself from further hurt, I became a people pleaser who tried not to stand out. If I did everything I could to keep people happy, then they couldn’t hurt me.

Those labels became my limiters. I’ve allowed them to be the reason I say no when I should say yes, and yes when I should say no. I’ve let the opinions of others define who I believe I am.

The playground isn’t the only place where labels were stuck on to cover my identity and keep me in my place. I’ve allowed the spoken and unspoken theological interpretations of gender-defined roles in the church keep me from being who I was created to be.

"When you’re living in contradiction of who you are, when the opinions of others matter more than anything else, your foundation is on a fault line that shakes and rattles the moment the illusion of control begins to dissolve."

This continual denial of my true identity in Christ contributed heavily to the root causes of my anxiety. When you’re living in contradiction of who you are, when the opinions of others matter more than anything else, your foundation is on a fault line that shakes and rattles the moment the illusion of control begins to dissolve. The “what if’s” set in, the shame rolls over me like a crashing wave. I’m transported back to that day on the playground where the words, “raise your hand if you don’t like Maryanne,” crushed my soul.

But mercifully, that’s not where the story ends. God is lovingly using this experience to make me stronger, to mould me into who He created me to be, and to fulfill the plans He has for me.

It’s time for women to rise up. To say NO to the expectations, the labels, and the limitations placed on us and take a seat at the table He’s called us to.

Despite my best efforts to lead under the radar, through my fear and a renewed willingness to be vulnerable, God has been gently, but firmly, calling me into leadership roles that are more visible and that no longer allow me to hide. He’s showing me that the labels and limitations placed on me by others are not from Him.

He’s showing me that I am who He’s created me to be. At that is more than good enough.